A couple years ago a coworker made this observation about me. And I knew it wasn’t true, yet there was something in it that rang true… I knew he was on to something, even if he didn’t know me well enough to get it exactly right.
The truth is, people like me just fine. The truth is also that I don’t believe they care. With the exception of some haters, closed-minded people, and whatnot, people think of me fondly. Once in a blue moon, when I hear from them, I’m told they think about me all the time. This happened last week, in fact.
I was brought to tears multiple times at the expression of love my friend gave. Nevermind that it was expressed through social media; I knew she meant it and it was real and it touched me so deeply because I spend so much time feeling so completely empty. Because, though my friends all know that I’ve been going through some serious, life-changing shit, I’m alone. I didn’t ask them to leave me alone, they’re just busy. They’re living life and can’t be bothered. They simply don’t have time for another person to be active in their lives.
That sucks bad enough, but what’s worse is that I was there when everyone was new to town and knew no one. Then they met people. Then they upgraded and left me behind.
They say that the best way to make a friend is to be a friend. I have done this a lot. I have gone seriously out of my way, because that’s what friends do. It’s not even a question–whatever the need is, I’m there. For no other reason than because they need something, and I can find a way to meet it. And I don’t choose friends lightly. Being an introvert, it takes some time for me to open up to people “in real life”. They’re good people that I care about deeply, which is why it sucks so hard.
I know life is crazy, and people get caught up sometimes. But after a year and a half, you’d think *someone* would manage *some* sort of regularity! Again- they do with other people, but not me.
This is my life story. No one can be bothered.
A close family member caused my sibling to miss my wedding. I was hurt, but I had to accept it and choose to understand. That same family member, knowing the hell I’ve been going through, has now cut me off because I missed their wedding! Nevermind that I was having a complete breakdown… and don’t bother asking what the hell happened… just cut me out of your life and pretend I don’t exist. That’s awesome.
Meanwhile the earth keeps spinning, friends and family go on with their happy lives, and I subject my kids to a weeping, sobbing mommy every day. And I hate it! But so it goes when your heart is completely broken.