The Heights from Which We Fall
Have you ever looked around at your life and wondered “Now how the f*** did this ever happen?!?”
When nothing… literally nothing is as how you planned it. How your hopes and dreams change and life goes on and you grow, yet the ones that were always highest and most important never do? Yet those are exactly the ones that are always out of reach.
And it’s too late. The time is already passed. And while it might look like it’s not a big deal and no one really cares… not really… you can’t help but be consumed by hurt, frustration, and regret. What’s the point?
Sometimes you can spend your whole life planning and trying to build something… keep pushing, keep praying, keep pushing… and it doesn’t matter. And what you have to settle for is utter bull shit.
And though you make peace with it, find what you can that’s good about it and even get excited about it… then life has to throw another huge-ass monkey wrench into the situation.
Was it not bad enough that I have to go start working and building a career when all I ever wanted to do was be a mommy? That I’m finally enjoying my kids as kids and now I have to leave it all? Did I actually have to go and get pregnant in the middle of all this????!!!!!!!! I mean, what the f***??? Now I have to leave a little teeny baby too? No babymoon, no nursing-to-sleep naps, freakin’ bottles and pumping, someone else raising my kids… why??
Why?
(hysterical weeping)
I don’t give a damn that half of moms are working. All I ever wanted to do was be a full-time mom. To be that for my kids. Now I’ll be gone. What good are beliefs and values? I won’t be able to pass them on anyway.
Oh my God- I know how frustrated I get with babies who just won’t stop crying… *how in the world* is someone else who couldn’t possibly love my kids as much as I do going to handle it? At best my poor little baby is going to be left crying it out… which is complete bull shit itself!!!
Wasn’t it enough that I was sacrificing my 21-month-old to the “society gods” and f***ed up views on family just so we can make ends meet? Apparently it requires my newborn too.
Bastards.
I HATE you.