It started yesterday, actually, after I posted my rant. A little bit of stringy brown blood, with just a teeny bit of pink here or there. Okay, so mostly old, probably from implantation spotting, no biggie. It had quit by the night and so I went ahead with relations with DH.

This morning a little more of the same, mostly nothing all day, but then tonight… I’m wiping after a quick pee before going in to nurse X who has woken up, so I can get him back down in the crib and enjoy some alone-sleep before the next time he wakes, and there’s a ton of pink all over the toilet paper, and totally unexpected. I’ve been ‘crampy’, but I’ve been that the whole time, even while I was busy trying to be in denial.

I mean, I didn’t want to sacrifice my newborn to the American Society gods, putting it in daycare right away so I could go earn a living, but dang– I didn’t want to find peace and even the bright side(s) of it all, some of which were pretty bright, and then lose it! Not that I wanted to lose it at all, I’d never want my baby to die. But I’d rather it have just not existed in the first place. And if it did have to die, couldn’t it have happened while I was still in denial just like the last one?

What kind of lesson is this???

DH is no support at all. What a man. I told him yesterday and he was frustrated (what a man). I show him tonight that it’s worse and obviously pink and he just says “I don’t know what that means”. Well, I just told you yesterday. So I try to start again, but then I realize that’s not his point so suddenly my own is lost as well and I quit.

5 minutes later I come out of the kids’ bedroom from nursing X and putting him back down to sleep, and my husband is snoring. I don’t blame him- he’s got a lot going on and one more thing to worry about, and then worrying over his inability to fix it, is not what he needs. I get it. But I don’t know what it means either. Seems just a little late for implantation spotting. And we’ve been pretty (unusually) tight-lipped about the whole thing. And it seems a little heavy for what I thought of implantation spotting, too. But last time when we got too rough while I was pregnant with X and I had all sorts of bleeding, it was well more than what I’d expected to be called “spotting”. But that’s what it was. Maybe that’s what this is too? It’s not onto my pants (no panties), it’s not bright red…

I don’t know what it means either.

At least I know there’s nothing docs would do besides work up my nerves before they tell me for sure whether or not I’m losing it, and give me a really hard time either way when

1- I tell them there is not and will not be an OB/GYN to forward the records to; or

2- I tell them I’d rather wait for the baby to pass on its own than have a D&C.

It’s good to know something, I guess. So now I’ll go pass out too, so as to not overwhelm myself with the stress of it.

I didn’t want a baby. But I really don’t want a dead one, yk?!

There I go thinking again. Enough of that. Goodnight. Really.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 19th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
Posted in: Birth, Faith, Family, Health, Life, Pregnancy.

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