How YOU doin’?
Been posting a lot about what I’m doin’, probably about time for a how I’m doin’.
I didn’t get paid.
So I couldn’t pay my rent.
And my checks are bouncing. Add fees now. More debt. Exponentially.
And now, since the 1st, my apartment’s air conditioner broke. But I can’t call to have it fixed, because I haven’t paid my rent.
And we’re having the hottest heat wave of the summer. And it has decided to be the longest heat wave as well.
It’s nice, because it makes one lose their appetite. And finding the silver lining, I hope maybe I’ll lose a pound or two.
But then my children also lose their appetites and are up all night with hurting tummies because they have no food in them. And then because they’re hungry and tired they cry nonstop.
The sweat just drips off of me… us…, even without the slightest movement.
We leave the windows open in hope of some sort of relief, but the screens have been cut so had to be removed. Complete paranoia as the kids love looking outside, and crippling fear at the thought of the 2 year-old falling out the window of our 2nd story apartment.
The estranged husband thinks maybe God’s trying to tell me I should be back with him. Well then He would need to make him be nice to me. Consistently, and not just when he’s psyched himself up for the wonderment that is me. That’s all I’m sayin’. God knows that.
Then night falls, and I wait for the relief, but it’s still 80 degrees out there. And now the bugs have come through the screenless windows. They find me irresistable with my sweaty self. Then my hair touches my arm and I bug out, thinking it’s another one to shoo off myself. Because sometimes it really is. And I need to catch them before they bite me.
I try to open my (screened) bedroom window, but it is stuck shut again. Fuck.
Last night I barely slept because I was just so hot.
This morning I sweated heavily just getting ready for the day. I was barely just standing still.
And still, at midnight, I drip sweat.
And wonder if I’ll sleep tonight now that I’m tireder after having not slept much last night.
It’ll work out. That much I know. And not because I was circumstantially forced into moving back in with DH to be “comfortable” (like, when was living together ever comfortable? We’re not even comfortable together for our limited time together now!) and “to work on our relationship”. But I do pray relief comes soon. Preferably in the form of checks in large amounts which come regularly from here on out. No matter what, I know He’s got it covered, though. So what’s a little sweat and military tactics with the lack of sleep and starvation and overloading of my senses with crying kids? I’ma be a’ight. Somehow. Not much choice, I guess.
Yep.