2008 Farewell
December 29th, 2008I wanted to write down some thoughts about this year. And this post might get edited and become longer as I remember more, but there is just so much and I knew that starting at all would be better than not. [Note: Turns out I had a lot to say! There will be no making this post longer, so fear not.]
One year ago I was heading back from my first trip to Colorado. My first trip anywhere. I loved it, and it was everything I’d ever longed for in my heart (being very similar in landscape to the pictures of Germany that I’d grown up adoring and wanting to be a part of). So even without a (traveling) base for comparison, I’m sure it will always be one of my favorite places regardless of whatever travels I’m blessed to take, either in this life or the next.
But one year ago, my life was at a crossroads. Would my estranged husband and I reconcile? It had been one year since I left him. A tremendous year. And a trying year. And he had finally decided to give up those things that were a hindrance to our marriage.
Or so I thought. It turns out, he wasn’t. So while we started counseling again at the beginning of 2008, seeing if we could work out just getting along, I was uneasy. Everyone, including my pastor, was saying about faith and trust and on and on. But something was just not right and I knew it. I didn’t know what at the time, but I felt this “block”. And I was sure it was not my own heart or mind, but without proof or even the ability to label it, I remained to blame in the eyes of everyone. Which is really sad. I hate being misunderstood. There’s not a more powerless feeling in the world. But so it goes. I felt a block, and it was not my imagination.
Eventually his lies and double-life came to light (again), and in such a way that I knew I would never, ever trust him again.
Of course, this situation was only complicated by the fact that we were still sharing a business office. I began looking for a regular job, which has never been a small feat in the worst corner of the state with the worst economy in the nation for several years running. But look I did. I came up with some real duds, and one with promise. I was this close to the one with promise. I would have been in charge of a lot (presumably with a paycheck to match), working for a non-profit that was (is) very close to my heart, changed my life, and I am very passionate about. But confidence got in my way of sharing the one thing that would have guaranteed me the job. But I was self-conscious and fearing judgement, so didn’t share, and didn’t get the job based on that single omission, since someone else also had that to offer, and actually told them. Live and learn.
So I kept job hunting and came up with a few more duds. Life at the office became completely unbearable. For me, for him, and everyone who worked for him. And the people in the offices down the hall, too. It wasn’t pretty.
Reality was only made bleaker by the fact that when my van needed repairs a year ago, he promised to get me a new vehicle within a couple months, if I was willing to give up the van which was not worth repairing. He had been picking me up and bringing me home from the office for a while, but that was too much for him, even when we were still counseling, and my mom had to come stay with me so I could ride with her. She slept on my couch for months. It was extremely appreciated, but I know she wanted to be at her own place as much as I wanted my own space back as well.
In desperation, I was ready to take a job at McDonald’s just because it was in the little town that I live in, and within walking distance. Before accepting that fate, though, I gave it one last go. I took one fateful day, a stack of resumes, and my mom’s van, and shopped them all around Dinkytown. Amazingly, I got two interviews scheduled that day.
It is a very long story all it’s own, just how providential everything about getting the job has been. Or anything about the job since. Suffice it to say: I’ve never, not even on TV or in the movies, heard of such a place. I work with the most awesome people in the world. They are all smart. They are all genuine. They are all caring. They are all invested in helping you succeed both professionally and personally. They are all willing to be honest with themselves, too, and admit fallibility and error and change to make things better. And the pay… while I’m not rich by any means, and still requiring government assistance to make ends meet due to the fact that I’ve got 3 kids to feed and put into daycare, the pay could be a lot worse. The year-end bonuses: Again, way more than I’ve ever heard of! On top of that, an extremely generous gift for each of all of our kids, too. It’s unreal.
Soon enough, they’ll even be helping to put me through college on top of all that. They would have already, and tried. But I realized that there are some things in my life that I need to deal with first. Things I need to cut out before I add any more in. And while it kills me to be my age, and in my posiiton, and not be moving forward, I am very proud of the fact that I can now accept myself where I’m at, and not feel like I have to be and do everything *right now* and make up for lost time. I am very content with seeing my growth, that I’ve learned that sometimes in order to move forward you can’t just always plow through and “push through and do it no matter what”, that sometimes in order to move forward you have to get rid of some baggage and clear some things out. School will be soon… just not this quarter.
I also got new daycare this year. Also completely providential. A local farmer’s wife, who charges less than my old sitter, truly loves my kids (I was afraid no one else would like the old one), accepts payments from the state, who had room for all 3 of my kids, who is completely supportive of me homeschooling, who respects our faith, and who bought my kids snow boots and gloves and even snow pants when she saw that my kids didn’t have them. It’s unbelievable, because even if I had the money, I wouldn’t have bought snow pants! But I do see that they are very useful and needed. I just would have never thought to do it myself. But that’s how God has taken care of me (/us) this year.
Not only that, this past week when I didn’t have as much money on my Food Stamp card as I thought I did, the cashier in my tiny town (who obviously is not making much or in any way well-off) paid for $40 worth of groceries that I had in my cart.
As I was telling the kids about it, sharing with them all the many ways that this was God’s doing, there was a knock at the door. I passed the cat off to my eldest to go hide, since I didn’t know who was at the door and we aren’t supposed to have animals. I opened the door to find a guy I work with, and his wife, with 3 more boxes of food, that they had received to pass out!
Oh, and did I mention that after a month of walking to my new job, which is just a mile away, that my sister gave me my nephew’s old car? And she actually felt bad, because it’s old and fairly beat up. But it has only needed a new starter and muffler, and has been completely fine besides. And small, so great on gas mileage, too!
Blessings more than I can even comprehend, and that among national financial panic and deep recession. While everyone else is going under, I’ve now got a stable job and am just 2 weeks away from being 100% caught up on all my monthly bills. Then, I will have money to spare. At least enough to breathe and be able to do normal things with. For the first time in my life. It boggles the mind.
My lesson this year has been confidence. While I’d commonly been accused of having self-esteem issues, I don’t really. Though I struggle with my flaws because I’m a perfectionist, I like me pretty well. I like who I am and what I stand for. I like that I stand for something! I like that I am (sometimes too) honest, that I am very true to myself (who I am and what I believe in) and that I have integrity and strength. Though sometimes I look at myself and wonder what the hell that means, that I’m strong, when I’m also so weak. But then I look at others and then I see that I really am strong. I am tenacious. (I’ve never met anyone more so.)
But while my self-esteem has been fine, I have definitely had confidence issues. People tend to be caught up in their own worlds, and don’t too often take the time to really see you. So they form quick judgments, which are frequently wrong, and don’t much care. And God help you if you get someone thinking that you think more highly of yourself than you do, or anything along those lines. And everyone’s got their own ideas and perceptions on how they’re going to interpret anything, so it gets quite impossible to know how to present yourself to people. And though I’m far from your normal “victim” of domestic violence, everything in life does affect you. So with all the mind-fucking I experienced that was a prerequisite to getting to the point of being in a violent situation, confidence is soon a thing of the past.
But this year, I started with finally getting to the point of not caring if my pastor thought I was wrong and excommunicated me. I couldn’t commit to my ‘husband’. Not even I could have guessed just how right I had been intuitively.
Then I take a job where they take all sorts of mental and psychological exams, see who I really am, and want exactly that. A job where I’m encouraged constantly to be more assertive and kick people’s butts and wanting me to speak up more than anyone, because they trust my judgement. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that last one, but I can finally say that I’m starting to get it. Unfortunately it took a kinda bad situation two weeks ago to get me there, but I’m really starting to see the light. And I’m starting to embrace it and am determined to grow to my fullest in that regard.
Looking back at this past year, it’s hard to fully comprehend how much my life has changed. In my wildest dreams I wouldn’t have imagined that I’d come so far so fast. But here I am, with God’s grace. I am looking forward to 2009. I see that since the Biblical new year things have only gotten better still, and am fully convinced that it will only continue.
This year I see myself starting college. I see myself finally divorced after two years of separation (and counting), and free of other dead weight that I am in the process of quitting. I am so thankful to be in a position of true understanding that everything is not black-and-white, and “do it or quit it”. I’m learning to accept the journey, and looking forward to the lessons that I will learn along the ride which is sure to be bumpy at times. But it will be my journey. And though I mildly wonder if I will have anyone to share it with, I’m not terribly concerned. I’m really looking forward to being more (and more) at peace with myself and life, and progressing in life to become an even fuller me. Living in the moment, and loving each one for what it offers.
And who could ever really want more than that?
