My new life!

I recently tweeted something along the lines if how “it confounds my mind to see how far I’ve come in the 2.5 years since leaving my husband to become homeless, jobless, and clueless.”

I left, and I was happy. Downright ecstatic. So much so, that I wondered what was wrong with me. Maybe I had just made the worst mistake of my life, and was too ignorant to realize it! And though I knew that wasn’t the case, I couldn’t help but wonder. I had no job, no money, no home, staying in a shelter that only has a 30-day limit and no clue what the future would hold or how I’d support 3 kids on my own.

I look around today, and I’m every bit of the same me I always was. Tough. Hard-working. Determined. Tenacious. Non-conformist. Always wanting to understand. Ever-learning. Ready to laugh, sometimes inappropriately. Maybe  a little obnoxious at times when I try to take a laugh too far. But my circumstances are so much different than they were.

I still struggle to pay bills, particularly on time, but I do pay them. On my own. Not only that, I’ve acquired dressers aplenty, on my own. I was never allowed to get them while with the ex. (And then he’d yell at me because laundry was always an issue! Uhh… Hello!) I also got bookcases aplenty, so stacks of books are no longer a problem anymore, either.  (Something else he’d always bitch about but then never allow me to do anything about.)

I also have 3 TV’s, one bigger than I’ve ever had, and the other two which I can’t even use right now due to lack of cable jacks. It’s almost disgusting

In the 1st 6 months of this year I’ve received micro-payments that add up to a whopping two months’ worth of child support. But somehow in that time, I’ve managed to get bunk beds for the kids, and mattresses. On my own. Him? He took the twin bed that they were using, so it could be used at his place. (Thankfully, he’s finally taking them regularly. Just one night every other weekend, but it’s something the kids can count on.)

That’s right, he doesn’t pay child support, and then I’m furnishing his place! And it’s just so funny, because all those years he was saying how worthless I was, how I’d never be able to do or be anything without him, how I didn’t know anything, how he’s such a great business guy, etc etc. Yet he couldn’t, and still can’t, hustle himself up some basic living furniture!

I’d just as soon have Freecycled it and hoped someone more deserving got it, but it’s not for him, it’s for my kids. I’ve arranged for him to get a second twin bed for them, too, which I know will be in even better shape than the one I gave.

I get to go out with my friends, and be friends! Act like friends act. Because I’m allowed to leave the house, and even give myself money to do so. I get to form real, true relationships with people who genuinely care about me!

I’m typing this post on the laptop I got. A very nice laptop, where “very nice” means that there are plenty of more expensive ones, but there are also plenty of cheaper ones and I was able to get exactly what I wanted. On my own. Did I mention the ex’s business was computers?!? Yeah, he could have SO hooked me up, and promised to many times, but never did. But that’s okay, because I got this one. My desktop is finally rocking dual monitors again, and for the first time: correctly! (Also my own doing.)

I finally got the toaster oven I always wanted, the best one I could find locally, too! For the first time I have a not-crappy vacuum. Not the most expensive one in the store, but it wasn’t cheap either and was a very good buy. I even have a really nice charcoal grill! Seriously: I didn’t know they made them so nice.

Now, for all this talk of material possessions, please understand: that’s not who I am. I do enjoy them, and appreciate them, but I am  not lost in them. I’m just looking around, and shit looks pretty normal! I’ve never had so much in my life. At least not since  26 years ago when I was 8 and my parents split up. And I just couldn’t have imagined this in my wildest dreams.

When I left my ex, I had resolved myself to living with the help of state aid, at least for the next 10 years when the oldest two were out of the house. Hopefully then I’d be able to afford on my own the one kid that was left.And I’m every bit as strapped and broke as I ever was, I’m always stretched and trying to figure out how to pay the bills. But I look around and see the blessings I’ve gotten in the mean time, so many tangible blessings of creature-comforts… I don’t know how. But somehow it keeps working out. God’s provision is good!

My new shiny truck, I’ll have to post about that separately. Too much to add here! Suffice it to say, it’s also nicer than anything I’ve ever had!

It’s just nice to feel so normal. And of course there are hardships and struggles, but they’re normal hardships and struggles. They’re not physical abuse, they’re not mental abuse, they’re not verbal abuse. They’re not what happens to a girl when the dude who signed up to be her protector wilfully chooses to become her biggest accuser and abuser, and the first one to always sell her out and throw her under the bus and make life impossible. Who pretends to have faith, but then only ever uses faith as a weapon against her.

I just couldn’t  imagine 3 years ago, how wonderful my life could be. I’m overwhelmed in the best way.