For two days straight now, I’ve had Richard Marx in my head. You know the guy with those songs… 20 years ago?!
“Don’t mean nothin’ …” over and over. All the lyrics. The background singers. The riffs. It’s all right there. And unquiet.
I’m unsettled.
If liars and ‘games’ at work weren’t enough, I also face the same from my confidant in my off-hours.
I can’t help but know he’s lying. He’s not being completely up front with me. That much is obvious. How bad it gets is anyone’s guess. But I need more than what I’m getting. Yet I keep hoping. His mastery of silence … the silence that has been passed over that I now know what it means… it’s more than I can bear.
What do you mean, that you guys ‘talked about’ it? If that’s all it is, and they say quite clearly that it’s not, how do you even get THERE after I’ve been here and doing everything and never been given the chance? It’s hard to fathom. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. And that it did so clearly progress past that, even? Quite honestly it doesn’t even register.
How is it that one can see something so clearly, right in front of their face, know exactly what it is and its implications, yet still not truly comprehend?
I deserve the dignity of an explanation. For as many questions as I’ve got or come up with based on any other explanations. But when the silence is so loud, and “the right time and place” are never afforded me, where does that leave me?
I’m still so lost. Still waiting for that closure, pathetic as that is. And worse: finding hope in my heart.
There should be no hope. While it’s true that hope floats, it’s quite a dangerous boat. Because when the inevitable happens the boat is shattered and drowning is not far behind.
Maybe it’s not just irony that I’m finding it hard to breathe lately, having the sensation that I’m gasping for breath though I’m physically not. I invested my life, and now like sand between my fingers my life is slipping away.
Holding on is futile, yet how can I not?
