I lost my best friend.
He turned out to be not much of a friend at all, but a complete user. Still, the commonalities, interests, views, plans, and thoughts we shared… can that really be faked? How does one fake those things, when to be able to speak so knowledgeably requires already knowing about it? How can we know what the other is thinking, unless they really are thinking it?
He has charm, wit, and smarts unspeakable. (Plus looks and swagger which added to the enjoyment, but were just icing on the cake.)
He also has another whole side of himself that he had refused to reveal. Not that it wouldn’t have also been accepted, but he chose to hide it anyway. Chose to lie. Again and again and again. Some things of supposed little consequence had the truth been told, and some things of no consequence at all. Literally NO reason to hide it. But when truths are replaced with lies, it is all of great consequence.
Maybe I should be ashamed to admit it, but 2 months after finding out and I’m still reeling. Then again, of course I am. Because the lies continue.
And it tears me apart. I wanted to understand, hoped that when I confronted the issue that it could be settled. But it appeared that half-truths were given instead. I waited to see, life tends to be complicated and maybe now with the truth out in the open… we’ll see.
But nope. Just more lies. And condemnation on me for bringing it up again.
Maybe life really isn’t that complicated. I keep hearing that men and women are different, and people are different, and perspectives and baggage and all that jazz. So I try to keep an open mind. I try to be accommodating. But what the hell?! I don’t deserve all this shit. If I were “like every other woman” and unwilling to keep an open mind, etc etc, maybe I wouldn’t have to put up with all this betrayal. Then again, I need people in my life to keep an open mind, and don’t take kindly to being written off by people who don’t care to try and understand.
So where does the line get drawn?
I already have a hard enough time trusting people, and very few people really get that close to me (because few can keep that open mind and accept my many facets). As if it weren’t bad enough that my former husband had led a double-life and completely deceived me… now my best friend too?
I’m told I should cut ties and move on. I’m told I should keep the relationship but handle it differently in approach and perspective. I’m told so many things, but all I know is that my heart is wrenching. I am not well.
I miss my friend. I am in deep grief over that loss. There is no one else I’ve met in life that even comes close. No one I’ve respected as much. Adored as much. And though a good chunk of that has now been ripped away from me… It remains true.
I gave and I gave and I gave. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way.
I deserve better.
Not that I anticipated this friendship turning romantic, but I did come to the conclusion after my marriage that a successful, truly happy relationship would require having a strong foundation as friends. But now that I can’t even trust those, I don’t have any hope at all for a future relationship. Because I’ve seen the lengths that men will go to in order to keep you in the dark, sometimes just because they can. Because it’s a challenge to see if they can dupe someone else, and the less naive the better.
Unfortunately for me, I’m not growing any more naive, and most men are not on my level. Those that are… I’ve got some flaws myself that they’re unlikely to want to deal with when there are so many other women out there with smaller flaws.
I’ve just lost faith. And I’m so, so terribly sad. This has been a devastating blow. My heart needs healing.
And I need a friend.
