I’m TRYING to give you $90, bitch!

So I ran out of perfume a few weeks ago. It was a big deal, because I love that smell. It soothes me. But it’s not cheap perfume either, so I made the decision to wait and not get more right away, until I was able to take care of a couple things that need to be taken care of.

Weeks later now, I’m tired of waiting. And it is a few weeks later now, and hanging onto the money at this juncture, when the bigger things I needed are even further off… It’s just time that I had a bit of comfort. I mean, I’m known for smelling good. I identify with that smell. It’s kind of a huge deal.

So tonight I determine to go pick up a bottle on the way to picking up the pizza we ordered. Stop in at Elder Beerman’s, there’s a gift set of the full-size cologne plus a shower gel and lotion for $88. The cologne by itself was $84. I didn’t need the extras. In fact I still have the extras from the first time I got the perfume a year ago. But what the heck. A little good-smelling soap never hurt anyone, right? So the package it is.

Excited and feeling silly for not being able to wait until tomorrow to smell it on me again (it smells even better on!), I decide the wait has been worth the ‘waste’ of a spray and put two on my wrist.

Omg, it reeked!! I questioned myself, naturally. I spread it around onto my other wrist, and waited, but it really reeked! Back to the store I headed in hopes of an exchange.

I told the lady who had originally rang me up that I wanted to spray some from another container (and not a gift set this time), and she had to check with someone else as she herself was new and was unsure of protocol. The senior-though-younger worker made a big deal about it. She said to use the tester. “Uh, I’ve been using this for a whole year. I know what it smells like. But that tester is not going to tell me if the one inside the package that I take home is going to be stinky.” More haggling. I said “Well I can buy it and bring it back if it stinks, too, but I’m trying to save myself the trip.” She finally agreed to let it be sprayed “inside the cap, and hopefully she buys it.” ?? Whatever. Fine. Just open the damn thing.

We open the regular bottle, and I spray some in the cap. It’s not smelling great either. Not as bad as the first stuff, but still pretty bad. As the pool of perfume sits in the cap, I tip the cap onto the top of my hand. Nope, this stuff is still not right either.

The younger, more experienced sales person is sittting there arguing with me: “No, that’s what it smells like! This is what I wear, and that’s what it smells like!” Well, you’re fully of shit. Because “Well, I don’t know. I’ve been wearing it for a year, bought several bottles, and it’s NEVER smelled like this!” Her: “Well maybe it’s your chemistry, it doesn’t work with your chemistry.”

WTF! Look, bitch! I just TOLD you that I’ve BEEN wearing this shit for a whole year! And I don’t spend fuckin’ $90 on some perfume lightly! In fact, I went YEARS without wearing anything because my other stuff (Mary Kay Tribute) got discontinued, and nothing else smelled like ‘me’. I KNOW MY SMELL!!! AND THIS AIN’T IT!!!

Finally I left without any. I’m quite sure nowhere else in this tiny little area will have any, though I’m really fiending for it right about now.

It just pisses me off so bad. Dude: you’re ELDER BEERMAN. Do you know your clientele? Do you know the state of the economy? Do you know how to act anything at all besides total fuckin’ ghetto?? Because I’m sitting here TRYING to give you $90, which chicka here is going to get a commission off of, and you don’t even want to LET me give it to you!

Fuck you. I’ll drive my happy ass an hour away now, just to get it from someone besides you. Bitch.