Regardless of whether you think abortion should be legal or not (and I actually do believe, because of my Christian faith, that it should be legal even though it makes me sick and offends my “morals” and my sensibilities), the following quotes from this article just kinda rocked my world.

One of the country’s leading hospitals is throwing aborted babies into the same incinerator used for rubbish to save only £18.50 each time, it has emerged.

The revelation sparked anger and distress among church leaders and pro-life groups, as well as women whose pregnancies were terminated at the hospital.

Like, why??? You killed it. For whatever reason- its life wasn’t worth you putting it up for adoption or whatever else. Now all of a sudden its carcass is so meaningful that you should be angry over the way it was disposed of after you had it shredded to death?!? You’ve got to be kidding!!

It started yesterday, actually, after I posted my rant. A little bit of stringy brown blood, with just a teeny bit of pink here or there. Okay, so mostly old, probably from implantation spotting, no biggie. It had quit by the night and so I went ahead with relations with DH.

This morning a little more of the same, mostly nothing all day, but then tonight… I’m wiping after a quick pee before going in to nurse X who has woken up, so I can get him back down in the crib and enjoy some alone-sleep before the next time he wakes, and there’s a ton of pink all over the toilet paper, and totally unexpected. I’ve been ‘crampy’, but I’ve been that the whole time, even while I was busy trying to be in denial.

I mean, I didn’t want to sacrifice my newborn to the American Society gods, putting it in daycare right away so I could go earn a living, but dang– I didn’t want to find peace and even the bright side(s) of it all, some of which were pretty bright, and then lose it! Not that I wanted to lose it at all, I’d never want my baby to die. But I’d rather it have just not existed in the first place. And if it did have to die, couldn’t it have happened while I was still in denial just like the last one?

What kind of lesson is this???

DH is no support at all. What a man. I told him yesterday and he was frustrated (what a man). I show him tonight that it’s worse and obviously pink and he just says “I don’t know what that means”. Well, I just told you yesterday. So I try to start again, but then I realize that’s not his point so suddenly my own is lost as well and I quit.

5 minutes later I come out of the kids’ bedroom from nursing X and putting him back down to sleep, and my husband is snoring. I don’t blame him- he’s got a lot going on and one more thing to worry about, and then worrying over his inability to fix it, is not what he needs. I get it. But I don’t know what it means either. Seems just a little late for implantation spotting. And we’ve been pretty (unusually) tight-lipped about the whole thing. And it seems a little heavy for what I thought of implantation spotting, too. But last time when we got too rough while I was pregnant with X and I had all sorts of bleeding, it was well more than what I’d expected to be called “spotting”. But that’s what it was. Maybe that’s what this is too? It’s not onto my pants (no panties), it’s not bright red…

I don’t know what it means either.

At least I know there’s nothing docs would do besides work up my nerves before they tell me for sure whether or not I’m losing it, and give me a really hard time either way when

1- I tell them there is not and will not be an OB/GYN to forward the records to; or

2- I tell them I’d rather wait for the baby to pass on its own than have a D&C.

It’s good to know something, I guess. So now I’ll go pass out too, so as to not overwhelm myself with the stress of it.

I didn’t want a baby. But I really don’t want a dead one, yk?!

There I go thinking again. Enough of that. Goodnight. Really.

3.5 years ago I got my first new PDA (Personal Digital Assistant aka Palm Pilot or just Palm). I’d had others before, but all used. And they all broke through various circumstances, usually involving kids. But I came to love them due to their ability to remember everything that my brain didn’t, and basically keep my life at my fingertips with, like, zero clutter.

I’m not kidding when I say I lived my life by the thing. At about 2.5″x4″x.75″, it kept my calendar, MANY lists (shopping lists, address lists, library lists, to do lists, etc etc), a Bible!, a dictionary, a few games, a program that kept all my serial numbers, website logins and passwords, photos, an MP3 player, internet and email, and off the top of my head I don’t even remember what else. (Just note that I have chosen every possible category for this blog post )

I had been saving up for a particular one made from Sony after my last one had broke. When I had finally saved up enough (about a year of being lost without one!) I found out that a newer better one had been released in Japan already! Who could know how long it would be before they were released here?? That was a Saturday. Well lo and behold, I found out on Monday that they were just, that day, getting released here! I had to travel clear down to Indiana to get one since they weren’t anywhere closer yet, but that I did, getting up as early as possible the next morning, to be (almost) waiting at the door when they opened. I took the demo one for a short test drive before finally purchasing it over the one I had planned to buy for so long. (Newer isn’t always better, you know.)

I brought it home, charged it up, and we lived happily ever after.

Until like a month or two ago. It was a Saturday morning and I was checking email before I got ready for church. Something came up that I needed to consult my Palm for (who knows what anymore) and I was in the middle of using it when it happend.

… …

The touch-screen went all sorts of wonky. Just out of the blue. I wasn’t even doing anything special! I touched the screen, but it ‘clicked’ on something a whole inch above!

Noooooooooooo!!!!

I tried resetting it. Then doing a ‘hard’ reset. No go.

So I’ve carried it around in my purse all this time, just looking at it sadly. My last hope has been completely draining the battery, and maybe when I charge it back up it will have lost whatever got into it. I checked a couple weeks ago and it wouldn’t turn on. So I’ve waited a while longer and am finally about to plug it in. After it charges up then we will see.

But the worst part of the story is, that I went back to the Sony site, and they stopped making them some time ago. And I’m soooo upset about that, because this one had some special Sony-only functions on it that no one else has or ever will. It was freakin’ awesome. And I can’t believe that just all of a sudden, it’s gone. I know it’s old as far as technology goes, but it’s still perfect in every other way and doesn’t even look outdated. It still looks quite sharp.

And I don’t have the money for a new one, and where would I even start if I had to start researching them all over again?? boo-hoo.

So please, please pray with me, that my Sony Clie TH55 (picture) will work right again, and we can live out it’s golden years without it having any more strokes. Otherwise the next closest thing is the new UX-something-or-other that is actually a PC the size of a Palm. Which is way cool, but definitely not happening at $2,000. (If I had that I’d just find and add the other $500 to it that I need to get the pimped-out laptop I want that would make me a Mac girl! “Just say no” to PC’s. Though I’d still need a Palm.)

Serious prayers, please!

Have you ever looked around at your life and wondered “Now how the f*** did this ever happen?!?”

When nothing… literally nothing is as how you planned it. How your hopes and dreams change and life goes on and you grow, yet the ones that were always highest and most important never do? Yet those are exactly the ones that are always out of reach.

And it’s too late. The time is already passed. And while it might look like it’s not a big deal and no one really cares… not really… you can’t help but be consumed by hurt, frustration, and regret. What’s the point?

Sometimes you can spend your whole life planning and trying to build something… keep pushing, keep praying, keep pushing… and it doesn’t matter. And what you have to settle for is utter bull shit.

And though you make peace with it, find what you can that’s good about it and even get excited about it… then life has to throw another huge-ass monkey wrench into the situation.

Was it not bad enough that I have to go start working and building a career when all I ever wanted to do was be a mommy? That I’m finally enjoying my kids as kids and now I have to leave it all? Did I actually have to go and get pregnant in the middle of all this????!!!!!!!! I mean, what the f***??? Now I have to leave a little teeny baby too? No babymoon, no nursing-to-sleep naps, freakin’ bottles and pumping, someone else raising my kids… why??

Why?

(hysterical weeping)

I don’t give a damn that half of moms are working. All I ever wanted to do was be a full-time mom. To be that for my kids. Now I’ll be gone. What good are beliefs and values? I won’t be able to pass them on anyway.

Oh my God- I know how frustrated I get with babies who just won’t stop crying… *how in the world* is someone else who couldn’t possibly love my kids as much as I do going to handle it? At best my poor little baby is going to be left crying it out… which is complete bull shit itself!!!

Wasn’t it enough that I was sacrificing my 21-month-old to the “society gods” and f***ed up views on family just so we can make ends meet? Apparently it requires my newborn too.

Bastards.

I HATE you.

In just one month, I believe on September 30th, will be the 2nd Annual Family Beginnings Expo. This free event is held in Berrien County. When I remember exactly where, I will let you know! But it will be in the St. Josph / Benton Harbor area.

Speakers will be there discussing attachment parenting issues, as well as vendors with related products, and neighbors wanting to establish a support network! Stay tuned for more info, but in the mean while- go mark your calendars now!

Keywords: Michigan, southwest Michigan, South Bend Indiana, Mishawaka Indiana, Michiana