There have been periods of time… long periods of time… and yes that is plural… that I have been ashamed to be a Christian.

Now, before you send me off to hell please make sure you read what I actually said: I have been ashamed to be a Christian. Not ashamed of Christ. Simply the label that I must share with others who … GRRR. It’s so frustrating that I can’t even find the words for it. Thankfully, I found this video tonight to say it for me.

“Beelzebub!!!” LMAO!!

And then this one for those of us among the Messianic Jewish persuasion

Hehe.

Been posting a lot about what I’m doin’, probably about time for a how I’m doin’.

I didn’t get paid.

So I couldn’t pay my rent.

And my checks are bouncing. Add fees now. More debt. Exponentially.

And now, since the 1st, my apartment’s air conditioner broke. But I can’t call to have it fixed, because I haven’t paid my rent.

And we’re having the hottest heat wave of the summer. And it has decided to be the longest heat wave as well.

It’s nice, because it makes one lose their appetite. And finding the silver lining, I hope maybe I’ll lose a pound or two.

But then my children also lose their appetites and are up all night with hurting tummies because they have no food in them. And then because they’re hungry and tired they cry nonstop.

The sweat just drips off of me… us…, even without the slightest movement.

We leave the windows open in hope of some sort of relief, but the screens have been cut so had to be removed. Complete paranoia as the kids love looking outside, and crippling fear at the thought of the 2 year-old falling out the window of our 2nd story apartment.

The estranged husband thinks maybe God’s trying to tell me I should be back with him. Well then He would need to make him be nice to me. Consistently, and not just when he’s psyched himself up for the wonderment that is me. That’s all I’m sayin’. God knows that.

Then night falls, and I wait for the relief, but it’s still 80 degrees out there. And now the bugs have come through the screenless windows. They find me irresistable with my sweaty self. Then my hair touches my arm and I bug out, thinking it’s another one to shoo off myself. Because sometimes it really is. And I need to catch them before they bite me.

I try to open my (screened) bedroom window, but it is stuck shut again. Fuck.

Last night I barely slept because I was just so hot.

This morning I sweated heavily just getting ready for the day. I was barely just standing still.

And still, at midnight, I drip sweat.

And wonder if I’ll sleep tonight now that I’m tireder after having not slept much last night.

It’ll work out. That much I know. And not because I was circumstantially forced into moving back in with DH to be “comfortable” (like, when was living together ever comfortable? We’re not even comfortable together for our limited time together now!) and “to work on our relationship”. But I do pray relief comes soon. Preferably in the form of checks in large amounts which come regularly from here on out. No matter what, I know He’s got it covered, though. So what’s a little sweat and military tactics with the lack of sleep and starvation and overloading of my senses with crying kids? I’ma be a’ight. Somehow. Not much choice, I guess.

Yep.

I kept trying to get this through to a certain person who shall remain nameless, but it never did get through. And then I faltered, too. But I’m getting back to being me again, and am now at the point of dealing with this area which I had lost ground in while in a bad relationship. Of course the person I shared it with would have said it existed before, but what was seen was actually my frustration rooted in my inability to communicate effectively, more specifically the messes which were the result of that poor communication.

But this thing I have believed since I was young, it now finally has words. And maybe wherever I learned it from, maybe they learned it from Chuck. I don’t know, I just know that it is true. Here it is:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,than what other people think of, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Various people have told me how much happier I am now. And I’ve asked what that means, what they are seeing in me that’s different, etc. I am simply happy and I wasn’t before. And it’s obvious to them. I’m much more relaxed. Funny, the things we can do and enjoy when we let go of strife and anxiety. But yet here is another layer that while others don’t usually see it, it does impact things I do. The affect my perspective has on the world around me, and what is returned to me. Both directly and indirectly. So I am glad for the reminder. Though it had already been on my mind somewhat, it’s great to finally have the words for it, and a little direction for it. It’s one more step to being me again.

I seem to recall Charles Swindoll being a religious fanatic (as opposed to just a guy who believes in God and lives by that faith), but in the interests of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I have to completely agree with him here. I hear he’s got a book out dealing with this issue. I hope to find it and read it. The sooner the better because negativity is just so self-destructive and toxic. And I don’t want anything holding me back. Especially nothing so vile.

Of course ‘they’ used to say that I was supremely negative and would fit in an “I told you so” right about now, but some people aren’t as smart as they think they are. Again, what was seen was the result of something else entirely. But isn’t it funny that it’s that exact person who was down on me the most, degrading me about most everything, and blowing up over the littlest things, who was demeaning me and devaluing me even from the beginning (saying I was just a VW while he was a Porshe! WTF??? Yeah, that’s really loving and manly!), etc etc. And then they get on YOU for being ‘negative’. HA! LOL. But anyway, I only mention it because I know this will probably be read by that person and want to cover the bases should they find their heads inflating with self-righteousness. They still ask me why it is that I am always focused on their response to something I do “wrong” to them, instead of focusing on what I did wrong. I’ve tried explaining it, because the fact of the matter is- this is a principle and something that is bigger and more far-reaching than every little thing I do to piss them off. Not to mention that this is something I see throughout all areas of their life. Maybe with this quote God will open their eyes to finally ‘get’ it. But bygones being bygones and all, I’m just glad to have these words to finally communicate what it is that I have believed for a long time. To be able to express them to others who want to hear, and more importantly- to hold onto myself.

Shabbat Shalom.

She called me a couple hours ago and said that after she stopped to get gas her car wouldn’t start. Someone tried to give her a jump-start, but that didn’t work so she called the towing/service company. She was to call me when they got back to their garage to fix it.

So she just calls back and says “I feel like such an ass”. And I’m lovin’ it!! Not because I think she’s an ass, but because it seems to demonstrate how far she’s coming along. She’s suffered spiritual abuse by those who consider themselves righteous for quite some time. But she never seemed able to figure out that the only thing those people really ‘had together’, regardless of what it looked like, was the ability to manipulate others. Like the unreasonable position that you can’t ever drink or it will ruin your witness because “who knows how many you’ve already had”, or it might be a stumbling block to the alcoholic sitting clear on the other side of the restaurant, and lots of other crazy crap like that. And that you can’t say harmless words like “ass”… unless, of course, you are referring to an actual donkey within the context of the KJV translation of the Bible. Like, give me a break!!!

Thankfully, when the guy got there he got it started without any problem. Apparently when it gets super-cold it can look like your car is in park when it’s not really in gear. So he got it in gear and started without incident. And even more thankfully, without charge.

So a couple months ago I got her to try some of my margarita. I think she even had a fuzzy navel when I took her out for her birthday. And tonight she feels like an ass LOL. It’s not that she has to agree with me, but it’d be nice for her to have her own thoughts and not be controlled by what she thinks everyone else wants and the hang-ups that they have. Maybe after all these years of being manipulated and totally mind-screwed she really will get back to being normal again. I’ll drink to that!

So I’m officially back online, in my own apartment after a stint at the local Safe Shelter. The apartment is small but nice enough. And it has a washer/dryer hookup, because the last thing I wanted to do after working all day is to take three kids and a bunch of laundry down an (outside) flight of stairs, drag it all out somewhere else, drag it around inside the laundromat, then drag it back out and up the flight of stairs. And then still not be done, having to put it away, hang it up, etc.

I don’t think so!

So I got one with W/D hookup. The only one cheaper I found was $30 cheaper but did not have a hookup. I’m sure I’d spend at least $30 in quarters at the laundromat anyway, so already a bonus. Plus this one is closer to town and also brighter inside. There were several I looked at which were $35 more than the one I’m in, but none of them seemed quite as nice still, even the one that was slightly bigger (a whole separate utility room off a separate kitchen instead of inside of a bedroom closet and a kitchen that is open to the living room). I’m happy with my choice. Maybe I’ll take pics when I get around to it.

I moved in on Sunday and went back for the TV and dishes and stuff on Tuesday. Have been trying to settle in and take care of everything else that needs taking care of, and my to do list is still lots longer than my done list. But so it goes. I was happy when my cable and internet were to be hooked up on Wednesday, but then there was an outage. Blah. So two very long days later it got done yesterday. Not that I was able to do anything with it then, but at least it’s here. I can download my mail and know that there are no fires that are going untended.

Monday I start a part-time job which will provide a little bit of regular income while building up the web design business. I still don’t have a daycare. UGH. I talked to someone about watching them here, she says she usually gets $10/hr for nannying. Uh… there’s no way I could *possibly* do more than $8, and that’s with the state covering $6 and DH picking up the other $2. She said she’d call back that night… that was Thursday night. It’s now Saturday afternoon. I was too scared to call her yesterday, but I’ll have to call her today sometime. I have to know how big of a mess I’m in here. Or more accurately- exactly what the mess is that I need to clean up.

Thursday I got an exciting surprise. There was a knock on my door and when I opened it the man flipped open his ID wallet and said “Federal Agent whatever-his-name-was. Is -whoever- here?” Nope, I just moved in on Sunday. And from what the electric company told me it sounds like this place had been empty for a while. But I gave the name and number of the landlord, and also directions to his office. They won’t be getting me for Obstruction of Justice! LOL I’m such a nark.

DH came to church for the second week in a row today. I overheard him telling someone he’d be there next week too. He’s made some major changes in the past couple weeks, and I have no doubt he’s sincere, but he’s been sincere before too. So I can only wonder how long it’s going to last. I’m hopeful that if he’s in it for the long haul that God will give me the ability to trust him again. At the same time, I’m trying to be careful not to slip into comfortability with him, and check my brain at the door again. And at the same time as all of that, I know God needs to be in control of it all and I’m worried about interfering in the process either way. But I guess I wouldn’t be so afraid of that if I were spending time in the word and just with Him in general: I’d be led by the Spirit more (and more easily) and those things would then not be an issue.

The kids have really missed watching their Saturday night show with him. We saw it over there last week while I was doing laundry or something, and now that the TV is here I invited him over so that they could still keep watching it together. It means a lot to them. So he’ll be coming over.

Well, Mr. Man (that would be X, pushing 2 now) just fell asleep for his nap, and I’m going to go do the same.

I’ve still got a heck of a lot to do, but as I said- I’m officially back online now so if you email me I should be able to get back to you sooner than later now.