Been posting a lot about what I’m doin’, probably about time for a how I’m doin’.

I didn’t get paid.

So I couldn’t pay my rent.

And my checks are bouncing. Add fees now. More debt. Exponentially.

And now, since the 1st, my apartment’s air conditioner broke. But I can’t call to have it fixed, because I haven’t paid my rent.

And we’re having the hottest heat wave of the summer. And it has decided to be the longest heat wave as well.

It’s nice, because it makes one lose their appetite. And finding the silver lining, I hope maybe I’ll lose a pound or two.

But then my children also lose their appetites and are up all night with hurting tummies because they have no food in them. And then because they’re hungry and tired they cry nonstop.

The sweat just drips off of me… us…, even without the slightest movement.

We leave the windows open in hope of some sort of relief, but the screens have been cut so had to be removed. Complete paranoia as the kids love looking outside, and crippling fear at the thought of the 2 year-old falling out the window of our 2nd story apartment.

The estranged husband thinks maybe God’s trying to tell me I should be back with him. Well then He would need to make him be nice to me. Consistently, and not just when he’s psyched himself up for the wonderment that is me. That’s all I’m sayin’. God knows that.

Then night falls, and I wait for the relief, but it’s still 80 degrees out there. And now the bugs have come through the screenless windows. They find me irresistable with my sweaty self. Then my hair touches my arm and I bug out, thinking it’s another one to shoo off myself. Because sometimes it really is. And I need to catch them before they bite me.

I try to open my (screened) bedroom window, but it is stuck shut again. Fuck.

Last night I barely slept because I was just so hot.

This morning I sweated heavily just getting ready for the day. I was barely just standing still.

And still, at midnight, I drip sweat.

And wonder if I’ll sleep tonight now that I’m tireder after having not slept much last night.

It’ll work out. That much I know. And not because I was circumstantially forced into moving back in with DH to be “comfortable” (like, when was living together ever comfortable? We’re not even comfortable together for our limited time together now!) and “to work on our relationship”. But I do pray relief comes soon. Preferably in the form of checks in large amounts which come regularly from here on out. No matter what, I know He’s got it covered, though. So what’s a little sweat and military tactics with the lack of sleep and starvation and overloading of my senses with crying kids? I’ma be a’ight. Somehow. Not much choice, I guess.

Yep.

Playing with some new music tonight, and doing some music-related surfing. Happened upon a song by John Lennon and was horrified by the title, and of course had to read the accompanying lyrics to find out how the hell this “man of peace” could have gotten away with this! Well, I have to say- they’re pretty good. Probably not a song I could go around singing (and not just because I have never heard the tune lol), but all the same- I can still copy and paste “the ‘N’ word”, right?

“Woman is the Nigger of the World”, by John Lennon

Woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes she is…think about it.
Woman is the nigger of the world,
Think about it…do something about it.

We make her paint her face and dance,
If she won’t be a slave, we say that she don’t love us,
If she’s real, we say she’s trying to be a man
While putting her down we pretend that she’s above us,

Woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes she is
If you don’t believe me,
Take a look at the one you’re with
Woman is the slave of the slaves
Ah yeh…better scream about it.

We make her bear and raise our children,
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother hen
We tell her home is the only place she should be,
Then we complain that she’s too unworldly to be our friend.

Woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes she is.
If you don’t believe me, take a look at the one you’re with.
Woman is the slave to the slaves
Yeh(think about it)

We insult her every day on TV
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence
When she’s young we kill her will to be free,
While telling her not to be so smart we put her down for being
so dumb.

Woman is the nigger of the world
Yes she is
If you don’t believe me, take a look at the one you’re with.
Woman is the slave to the slaves.
Yes she is,
If you don’t believe me, you better scream about it.

REPEAT:
We make her paint her face and dance…

Of course, that’s not to say blacks aren’t still considered this by way too many people, but coming out of this exact situation as a woman, it’s just… uncanny? Not ‘refreshing’. ‘Funny’ in the odd (but unfortunately still common) sort of way. An appreciated association.

Made by a man, no less.

There seems to be hope yet.

I kept trying to get this through to a certain person who shall remain nameless, but it never did get through. And then I faltered, too. But I’m getting back to being me again, and am now at the point of dealing with this area which I had lost ground in while in a bad relationship. Of course the person I shared it with would have said it existed before, but what was seen was actually my frustration rooted in my inability to communicate effectively, more specifically the messes which were the result of that poor communication.

But this thing I have believed since I was young, it now finally has words. And maybe wherever I learned it from, maybe they learned it from Chuck. I don’t know, I just know that it is true. Here it is:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,than what other people think of, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Various people have told me how much happier I am now. And I’ve asked what that means, what they are seeing in me that’s different, etc. I am simply happy and I wasn’t before. And it’s obvious to them. I’m much more relaxed. Funny, the things we can do and enjoy when we let go of strife and anxiety. But yet here is another layer that while others don’t usually see it, it does impact things I do. The affect my perspective has on the world around me, and what is returned to me. Both directly and indirectly. So I am glad for the reminder. Though it had already been on my mind somewhat, it’s great to finally have the words for it, and a little direction for it. It’s one more step to being me again.

I seem to recall Charles Swindoll being a religious fanatic (as opposed to just a guy who believes in God and lives by that faith), but in the interests of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I have to completely agree with him here. I hear he’s got a book out dealing with this issue. I hope to find it and read it. The sooner the better because negativity is just so self-destructive and toxic. And I don’t want anything holding me back. Especially nothing so vile.

Of course ‘they’ used to say that I was supremely negative and would fit in an “I told you so” right about now, but some people aren’t as smart as they think they are. Again, what was seen was the result of something else entirely. But isn’t it funny that it’s that exact person who was down on me the most, degrading me about most everything, and blowing up over the littlest things, who was demeaning me and devaluing me even from the beginning (saying I was just a VW while he was a Porshe! WTF??? Yeah, that’s really loving and manly!), etc etc. And then they get on YOU for being ‘negative’. HA! LOL. But anyway, I only mention it because I know this will probably be read by that person and want to cover the bases should they find their heads inflating with self-righteousness. They still ask me why it is that I am always focused on their response to something I do “wrong” to them, instead of focusing on what I did wrong. I’ve tried explaining it, because the fact of the matter is- this is a principle and something that is bigger and more far-reaching than every little thing I do to piss them off. Not to mention that this is something I see throughout all areas of their life. Maybe with this quote God will open their eyes to finally ‘get’ it. But bygones being bygones and all, I’m just glad to have these words to finally communicate what it is that I have believed for a long time. To be able to express them to others who want to hear, and more importantly- to hold onto myself.

Shabbat Shalom.

I finally did it!!

I’ve wanted to figure out Flash (a program for animation, online video, etc) for a long time, but it’s a really complex program. I’ve been taking some lessons on it, and finally today learned enough to do a slide show! Albeit a very unfancy slideshow, but a functional slideshow nonetheless, without a whole gallery program needed, which leaves the pictures able to be taken by others. Not with Flash! Woo-hoo!

So without further ado, I present my first Flash slideshow, featuring the haircut I gave J back in January after she got the comb stuck in her hair in the middle of the night and I had to cut it out…