I’ve always been a Jenny McCarthy fan because I relate to her un-stereotypical ways in a major way. I watched her movie, Dirty Love, a few weeks ago after just hearing about it a few weeks prior. I know there are countless who just don’t get it… or her… but OMG- I loved it!

I heard she had a couple pregnancy / birth books out but stayed away because I expected her to be pretty mainstream about it and after much research I am absolutely not. But then the EDH just sent this video to me and now I can’t wait to get all three them. Of course, finances dictate that I will be waiting a while, but nevertheless I am in high anticipation. Check it out:

ETA:

Oh, look! Here she is on Oprah, too. Explaining the more personal, mommy, side of it. It’s very nice that Oprah is not hostile like Barbara Walters was! Get to hear more of her experience. You gotta see this:

I also find it quite interesting how often she refers to God, and in a very passionate way which most people don’t. Cool.

Job 1: Focus. I don’t need to learn any new stuff right now. I can pay people to do those things, if I can just get the projects. I may very well not make any money this way, but at least I will be getting projects, which will get me referrals and more projects, and before I know it working that system will start to build up an income for myself as well as everyone else I’ll have been paying. I need to focus on getting projects. Marketing. This would include redoing my own business site… again… to include a blog and updating it regularly. Ugh. Or at least getting the site *how* it needs to be even if I don’t utilize the blogging part of it yet. And getting out there and getting contracts signed.

Job 2: Sleep. And get up early. Not to mention it will help focus me since I won’t be waking up rushed and therefore scatter-brained in the “put-out-fires” mentality. And less impacted by stress. Won’t that be nice! But how? I even feel better when I’m get up in the morning and don’t sleep into the day. But still I just can’t seem to get it together in that department. Well, I happened upon this site while reading some work stuff, and found this article. I’m going to start tonight. I don’t care what’s not done, or how the apartment looks, or anything else. I’m going to go to bed when I’m tired, and God help me… get up at a time that I can’t even remember the last time I got up at. I feared that getting in this habit would leave me going to bed at early hours to where I could never see my kids or have a social life, but hopefully what he says is correct. Somehow I just know it has to be. I’m so tired of being tired. Maybe then I can kick this sugar/caffeine (soda) habit which I know isn’t helping matters but is currently necessary all-the-same.

Wish me luck!

Been posting a lot about what I’m doin’, probably about time for a how I’m doin’.

I didn’t get paid.

So I couldn’t pay my rent.

And my checks are bouncing. Add fees now. More debt. Exponentially.

And now, since the 1st, my apartment’s air conditioner broke. But I can’t call to have it fixed, because I haven’t paid my rent.

And we’re having the hottest heat wave of the summer. And it has decided to be the longest heat wave as well.

It’s nice, because it makes one lose their appetite. And finding the silver lining, I hope maybe I’ll lose a pound or two.

But then my children also lose their appetites and are up all night with hurting tummies because they have no food in them. And then because they’re hungry and tired they cry nonstop.

The sweat just drips off of me… us…, even without the slightest movement.

We leave the windows open in hope of some sort of relief, but the screens have been cut so had to be removed. Complete paranoia as the kids love looking outside, and crippling fear at the thought of the 2 year-old falling out the window of our 2nd story apartment.

The estranged husband thinks maybe God’s trying to tell me I should be back with him. Well then He would need to make him be nice to me. Consistently, and not just when he’s psyched himself up for the wonderment that is me. That’s all I’m sayin’. God knows that.

Then night falls, and I wait for the relief, but it’s still 80 degrees out there. And now the bugs have come through the screenless windows. They find me irresistable with my sweaty self. Then my hair touches my arm and I bug out, thinking it’s another one to shoo off myself. Because sometimes it really is. And I need to catch them before they bite me.

I try to open my (screened) bedroom window, but it is stuck shut again. Fuck.

Last night I barely slept because I was just so hot.

This morning I sweated heavily just getting ready for the day. I was barely just standing still.

And still, at midnight, I drip sweat.

And wonder if I’ll sleep tonight now that I’m tireder after having not slept much last night.

It’ll work out. That much I know. And not because I was circumstantially forced into moving back in with DH to be “comfortable” (like, when was living together ever comfortable? We’re not even comfortable together for our limited time together now!) and “to work on our relationship”. But I do pray relief comes soon. Preferably in the form of checks in large amounts which come regularly from here on out. No matter what, I know He’s got it covered, though. So what’s a little sweat and military tactics with the lack of sleep and starvation and overloading of my senses with crying kids? I’ma be a’ight. Somehow. Not much choice, I guess.

Yep.

I kept trying to get this through to a certain person who shall remain nameless, but it never did get through. And then I faltered, too. But I’m getting back to being me again, and am now at the point of dealing with this area which I had lost ground in while in a bad relationship. Of course the person I shared it with would have said it existed before, but what was seen was actually my frustration rooted in my inability to communicate effectively, more specifically the messes which were the result of that poor communication.

But this thing I have believed since I was young, it now finally has words. And maybe wherever I learned it from, maybe they learned it from Chuck. I don’t know, I just know that it is true. Here it is:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes,than what other people think of, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Various people have told me how much happier I am now. And I’ve asked what that means, what they are seeing in me that’s different, etc. I am simply happy and I wasn’t before. And it’s obvious to them. I’m much more relaxed. Funny, the things we can do and enjoy when we let go of strife and anxiety. But yet here is another layer that while others don’t usually see it, it does impact things I do. The affect my perspective has on the world around me, and what is returned to me. Both directly and indirectly. So I am glad for the reminder. Though it had already been on my mind somewhat, it’s great to finally have the words for it, and a little direction for it. It’s one more step to being me again.

I seem to recall Charles Swindoll being a religious fanatic (as opposed to just a guy who believes in God and lives by that faith), but in the interests of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I have to completely agree with him here. I hear he’s got a book out dealing with this issue. I hope to find it and read it. The sooner the better because negativity is just so self-destructive and toxic. And I don’t want anything holding me back. Especially nothing so vile.

Of course ‘they’ used to say that I was supremely negative and would fit in an “I told you so” right about now, but some people aren’t as smart as they think they are. Again, what was seen was the result of something else entirely. But isn’t it funny that it’s that exact person who was down on me the most, degrading me about most everything, and blowing up over the littlest things, who was demeaning me and devaluing me even from the beginning (saying I was just a VW while he was a Porshe! WTF??? Yeah, that’s really loving and manly!), etc etc. And then they get on YOU for being ‘negative’. HA! LOL. But anyway, I only mention it because I know this will probably be read by that person and want to cover the bases should they find their heads inflating with self-righteousness. They still ask me why it is that I am always focused on their response to something I do “wrong” to them, instead of focusing on what I did wrong. I’ve tried explaining it, because the fact of the matter is- this is a principle and something that is bigger and more far-reaching than every little thing I do to piss them off. Not to mention that this is something I see throughout all areas of their life. Maybe with this quote God will open their eyes to finally ‘get’ it. But bygones being bygones and all, I’m just glad to have these words to finally communicate what it is that I have believed for a long time. To be able to express them to others who want to hear, and more importantly- to hold onto myself.

Shabbat Shalom.

Need I say more?