Regardless of whether you think abortion should be legal or not (and I actually do believe, because of my Christian faith, that it should be legal even though it makes me sick and offends my “morals” and my sensibilities), the following quotes from this article just kinda rocked my world.

One of the country’s leading hospitals is throwing aborted babies into the same incinerator used for rubbish to save only £18.50 each time, it has emerged.

The revelation sparked anger and distress among church leaders and pro-life groups, as well as women whose pregnancies were terminated at the hospital.

Like, why??? You killed it. For whatever reason- its life wasn’t worth you putting it up for adoption or whatever else. Now all of a sudden its carcass is so meaningful that you should be angry over the way it was disposed of after you had it shredded to death?!? You’ve got to be kidding!!

It started yesterday, actually, after I posted my rant. A little bit of stringy brown blood, with just a teeny bit of pink here or there. Okay, so mostly old, probably from implantation spotting, no biggie. It had quit by the night and so I went ahead with relations with DH.

This morning a little more of the same, mostly nothing all day, but then tonight… I’m wiping after a quick pee before going in to nurse X who has woken up, so I can get him back down in the crib and enjoy some alone-sleep before the next time he wakes, and there’s a ton of pink all over the toilet paper, and totally unexpected. I’ve been ‘crampy’, but I’ve been that the whole time, even while I was busy trying to be in denial.

I mean, I didn’t want to sacrifice my newborn to the American Society gods, putting it in daycare right away so I could go earn a living, but dang– I didn’t want to find peace and even the bright side(s) of it all, some of which were pretty bright, and then lose it! Not that I wanted to lose it at all, I’d never want my baby to die. But I’d rather it have just not existed in the first place. And if it did have to die, couldn’t it have happened while I was still in denial just like the last one?

What kind of lesson is this???

DH is no support at all. What a man. I told him yesterday and he was frustrated (what a man). I show him tonight that it’s worse and obviously pink and he just says “I don’t know what that means”. Well, I just told you yesterday. So I try to start again, but then I realize that’s not his point so suddenly my own is lost as well and I quit.

5 minutes later I come out of the kids’ bedroom from nursing X and putting him back down to sleep, and my husband is snoring. I don’t blame him- he’s got a lot going on and one more thing to worry about, and then worrying over his inability to fix it, is not what he needs. I get it. But I don’t know what it means either. Seems just a little late for implantation spotting. And we’ve been pretty (unusually) tight-lipped about the whole thing. And it seems a little heavy for what I thought of implantation spotting, too. But last time when we got too rough while I was pregnant with X and I had all sorts of bleeding, it was well more than what I’d expected to be called “spotting”. But that’s what it was. Maybe that’s what this is too? It’s not onto my pants (no panties), it’s not bright red…

I don’t know what it means either.

At least I know there’s nothing docs would do besides work up my nerves before they tell me for sure whether or not I’m losing it, and give me a really hard time either way when

1- I tell them there is not and will not be an OB/GYN to forward the records to; or

2- I tell them I’d rather wait for the baby to pass on its own than have a D&C.

It’s good to know something, I guess. So now I’ll go pass out too, so as to not overwhelm myself with the stress of it.

I didn’t want a baby. But I really don’t want a dead one, yk?!

There I go thinking again. Enough of that. Goodnight. Really.

3.5 years ago I got my first new PDA (Personal Digital Assistant aka Palm Pilot or just Palm). I’d had others before, but all used. And they all broke through various circumstances, usually involving kids. But I came to love them due to their ability to remember everything that my brain didn’t, and basically keep my life at my fingertips with, like, zero clutter.

I’m not kidding when I say I lived my life by the thing. At about 2.5″x4″x.75″, it kept my calendar, MANY lists (shopping lists, address lists, library lists, to do lists, etc etc), a Bible!, a dictionary, a few games, a program that kept all my serial numbers, website logins and passwords, photos, an MP3 player, internet and email, and off the top of my head I don’t even remember what else. (Just note that I have chosen every possible category for this blog post )

I had been saving up for a particular one made from Sony after my last one had broke. When I had finally saved up enough (about a year of being lost without one!) I found out that a newer better one had been released in Japan already! Who could know how long it would be before they were released here?? That was a Saturday. Well lo and behold, I found out on Monday that they were just, that day, getting released here! I had to travel clear down to Indiana to get one since they weren’t anywhere closer yet, but that I did, getting up as early as possible the next morning, to be (almost) waiting at the door when they opened. I took the demo one for a short test drive before finally purchasing it over the one I had planned to buy for so long. (Newer isn’t always better, you know.)

I brought it home, charged it up, and we lived happily ever after.

Until like a month or two ago. It was a Saturday morning and I was checking email before I got ready for church. Something came up that I needed to consult my Palm for (who knows what anymore) and I was in the middle of using it when it happend.

… …

The touch-screen went all sorts of wonky. Just out of the blue. I wasn’t even doing anything special! I touched the screen, but it ‘clicked’ on something a whole inch above!

Noooooooooooo!!!!

I tried resetting it. Then doing a ‘hard’ reset. No go.

So I’ve carried it around in my purse all this time, just looking at it sadly. My last hope has been completely draining the battery, and maybe when I charge it back up it will have lost whatever got into it. I checked a couple weeks ago and it wouldn’t turn on. So I’ve waited a while longer and am finally about to plug it in. After it charges up then we will see.

But the worst part of the story is, that I went back to the Sony site, and they stopped making them some time ago. And I’m soooo upset about that, because this one had some special Sony-only functions on it that no one else has or ever will. It was freakin’ awesome. And I can’t believe that just all of a sudden, it’s gone. I know it’s old as far as technology goes, but it’s still perfect in every other way and doesn’t even look outdated. It still looks quite sharp.

And I don’t have the money for a new one, and where would I even start if I had to start researching them all over again?? boo-hoo.

So please, please pray with me, that my Sony Clie TH55 (picture) will work right again, and we can live out it’s golden years without it having any more strokes. Otherwise the next closest thing is the new UX-something-or-other that is actually a PC the size of a Palm. Which is way cool, but definitely not happening at $2,000. (If I had that I’d just find and add the other $500 to it that I need to get the pimped-out laptop I want that would make me a Mac girl! “Just say no” to PC’s. Though I’d still need a Palm.)

Serious prayers, please!

Not to make light of a horrible disease or anything, but I just found out that lots of sites are redoing their themes to be pink monochrome for the month of October to commemorate Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which apparently October is.

It’s a nice gesture and all, but I don’t like people thinking things that are not true, particularly about me. Yeah, I still haven’t gotten over it. And while I won’t go so far as to change my theme simply to be different, in case of people who stumble onto this site and haven’t been following along for a time I will at least note that this site is not “pink monochrome” for the sake of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I am not a sheeple (jumping on the pink bandwagon), nor do I have anything to prove (chnaging it now so as to avoid any appearance of sheepleness).

My pink bubbles are just something I came up with more than a year ago and I still like it (though when the dreariness of winter sets in it might get to be too much and I’ll probably switch to a darker theme like last winter, but I digress…) .

I’m horrified. I have always gone out of my way to be fair to docs, in spite of my own largely disregarding them with regards to my own health, and completely disregarding them with regards to my own pregnancies, birth, and “well-baby care”.

Of course, I was a sheeple for many years, but even afterwards I always respected that they sincerely believed in the crap they were taught in med school, and now by the pharmaceuticals companies that were constantly in their offices providing the latest “medical” information. Their intentions were good, I determined. Just because they’re misguided doesn’t make them evil.

Except maybe for the FDA*, who I’m becoming more convinced every day actually is evil. But that aside, the individual doctors, they are given the benefit of the doubt. While some call them masochists, and I do recognize that they must become such as part of their indoctrination, they are victims too.

* I make no claims as to the credibility of any other information on that site, I haven’t looked at it. I only know the information in the linked article to has also been confirmed in many other places and this was the link I found first

But then I read the occasional crap like this! What?!? Now, I don’t say vaccines are useless. They are proven to be somewhat effective, even if not as effective as they have everyone believing. I don’t pass judgment on those who use them. They are somewhat effective, afterall, and everyone has the right to choose for themselves. Of course, that is the biggest problem I have with vaccines… the lack of informed consent, but whatever. We don’t do it, but that’s a choice everyone can make for themselves… provided they are truly presented with all the scientific reasons for both ways of doing things, free of scare tactics which, unfortunately, come from both sides of the debate.

And VAERS (vaccine adverse effects reporting system) is a joke*, of course, but I attribute that again to the FDA and AMA whose power has corrupted them. Not the family physicians who want to help people feel better the best way they know how.

* You can Google for countless reasons, but let me point out just one which absolutely smacks of fruad: In order to confirm a reaction, of any size, one condition is that a fever must be present. Okay… but how crazy is that? Because my (ficticious) 5 year-old kid getting shots for the first time ever doesn’t have a fever, because he was given Tylenol before the shot so he wouldn’t have to suffer a fever on top of dealing with the toxins in the shot, it doesn’t matter that he started convulsing within the hour!!! And yet they hang their hats on how “safe” the shots are. “Only x% suffered any ill effects, most commonly fever and soreness at the site of the injection.” What bull shit!!! But I digress. That’s the FDA and AMA…

I cringed as I read up on a blog I’ve got listed here on my own, and how she and her DH submitted themselves to medical experimentation for a new whooping cough (aka pertusis, the P in the DTP shot, which is known to have all sorts of major problems with it). But to each his own… informed consent. I’m sorry for her when I hear of her bad experience with it, and then more when reading about his, which was downright awful. But they made their choice and I’m mostly glad for the chance to know the truth! So when the FDA approves it, I can know better than to let myself or my kids have it. But then I read this…

… one of the doctors came into our room and asked us questions about our experiences: did we ever have an elevated temperature, did either of us get sick? Both of us gave a detailed description of what Jon had been through in the last month, and then continued to complain about it even as a lab technician came in to draw our blood. Both of them assured us that the symptoms Jon had suffered couldn’t have been caused by this study, but hey! What a funny coincidence! Funny? Yes, about as funny as someone ending up with a black eye because, coincidentally, that’s the exact place I threw my fist.

Of course she was joking about the fist, and the ending to the story was quite funny. But I’m a ‘crazy, looney, anti-establishment fanatic’ and couldn’t help getting hung up on the doctors’ reaction. Both of them had bad crap happen, for no other logical or medical reason, yet even in research they summarily dismiss the warning signs! What the f***?!?!? What do you mean it’s got nothing to do with the shot?!? Isn’t this for research purposes? So you can’t know that it has nothing to do with the shot! And how many other people are being dismissed as well?? And what heppens, when based on such a glowing case study (since there are no adverse reactions being reaported), we start giving such dangerous things to our vulnerable newborns whose immune systems haven’t even started developing yet???

God help our babies, save us from these evil doctors, and make the truth known. Whether or not people still choose to vaccinate… and I still don’t believe they’re useless, I just believe the risks outweigh the benefits… at least let the truth get out there, and silence those who make people like me, who have looked at the hard science, to be dismissed as fanatic kooks. Give voice to the real (informed and unbiased) doctors.

UGH.