I keep trying not to, but I keep finding myself doing it. Literally.

Someone has taken the snowglobe of my life and decided to shake it all around.

I have to admit that ’someone’ is me. But that doesn’t make it any less… shakey.

I made some bad decisions last year, my first year of being single. And while they seemed like good decisions at the time, I see now that they were definitely not. Now I’m in need of a car, and a job. And I need both to get the other.

I’m *this close* to getting a job. There were some bureaucratic hoops to jump through, and everyone just waits for that. But the job is definitely worth it. I just jumped through the last hoop, and am holding my breath on the official job offer, and to figure out what they intend to pay (I know it will be decent, just not sure how decent) and if that needs to be negotiated at all. *sigh*

Last stop: needing a car. NOW. I’ve got faith and all, but my nerves are still shot with all this focus it takes to walk this tightrope. Job requires 24/7 availability for emergencies… so there’s no way to not have a car at my complete and immediate disposal to get me there.

I also have another interview for a different job which I only expect to pay half as well. But in case anything falls through with the first, it will be an easy job for me that I’d enjoy too. And though it would still require a car to get me there and home, by the time they offer it then I’ll have had more time to come up with one.

Gulp.

I’m all for sexy. I’m for flaunting it if you’ve got it and doing the best you can with what you have. I’m not a prude in the least. Quite liberal compared to most ‘good’ Christians, especially in the area of sexuality. I love sex, and sexiness. I’m pretty open-minded, and think the church couldn’t be missing the mark more completely on this.

That said, even I have found Victoria’s Secret to be way past the line. “What is sexy?” “What is sexy?”

Attitude. Attitude is sexy. I’ve seen women sexy in tshirts that aren’t even tight. I’ve also seen women very UNsexy in some cute lingerie. It’s all about attitude and your ability to be playful. Most of all, sexy is not “cheap trick”, which is what Victoria’s Secret has become.

I couldn’t have been more ecstatic with their superbowl ad. (Thankfully, I completely missed the GoDaddy one which I was severely dreading.) Now that was sexy!! I didn’t hope for more so that I could be disappointed, I was just really happy that women were represented in a truly sexy (which includes respectable) way.

Now today, I just saw this news item from Yahoo… Victoria’s Secret CEO wants to clean up company’s image.

Good form, Victoria’s Secret. Good form. I can’t wait. Keep it up.

Sexy = attitude. Sexy != cheap tricks.

You accuse me with “so this person says it, and that person says it, and I’ve been saying it all along, but we’re all wrong! Everyone else is all wrong and you’re right!”.

And I feel humbled shamed and deny that accusation. I fully accept that I’m as flawed as anybody, and am constantly searching myself to find where I might be wrong, because I want to fix those things. God knows I don’t like being a burden or making life worse for anyone, including myself.

But the funny (?) thing is… you’re all talking about me. And what do you really know about me? You accuse me of things that are not true all the time. And you tell the pastor those things, plus he’s human anyway and has admitted to projecting things in the past. Why can’t he be now? And your friend saw one fight of ours. What does that really say? And you all say the same thing. Your friend saw in our fight what you predisposed him to, as did our pastor who we have both acknowledged doesn’t seem to able to have his mind changed once it is made up. Should I be surprised that they agree with you?

Should I take that as confirmation that you’re right?

Really?

Because see, the funny thing is… I’m honest. And that starts with being honest with myself. And I know the pastor said everyone fools themselves and slants things in their direction and no one is objective. And I certainly realize I’m human. But dammit, this is the same guy who told me how “clairvoyant” and “honest [I am] with [my]self”. Guess what: That hasn’t changed. So much so that I’m still paranoid enough to really give a good, long hard thought to an accusation that is the complete opposite of the truth.

No, I don’t think anyone’s out to get me because they think or say something bad about me. I just said it myself, as I have countless times before and will countless times again: I’m as flawed as anybody. I don’t expect anyone else to think any differently. God help me if they do. Because it’s gonna be hell to pay when I eventually burst their rosey bubble! (And I know I will!)

But that doesn’t make you or any of them right, either.

In fact, though you think you know me and have me all figured out, in addition to countless other things… And certainly there are always things others see before the person themselves… It’s simply impossible for you to wholly know me better than I know myself. I study myself all day long. All day long. It’s always going on in the back of my mind. Always.

So I know what’s in my head. And while I may not always be able to articulate what I’m thinking or feeling or doing… especially verbally and on the spot… I can certainly recognize something that is in stark contradiction to my whole being.

I know I think false things about people, including all three of you. To err is human. So I don’t hold it against you when you think negative, false things about me. But damn it all(!)… don’t make me fuckin’ argue with you about the shit when I tell you flat out and vow that ‘this’ isn’t the case!

I’m tired of arguing.

Do you hear me? I hope to God that you do. Because I’m tired of defending myself at every turn. I’m tired of it. I’m over it. And hopefully soon, I’ll be done. And it would be just peachy if you might accommodate that a little bit and lay off.

You work on you. I didn’t ask you to change me. In spite of the fact that I’m still in the beginning stages of learning to teach people how to treat me and I usually still let people get the better of me… I like me. And I follow the beat of the drummer God has put in my heart when he created me. I follow it fiercely, and that is even being confirmed to me in my reading lately. Scriptures that I didn’t even know were in there. God’s been leading me to them one after another. And though it’s easy to forget in the middle of the day… at night he reminds me as I read again. And new words too. I love him, and I’m following Him. He is more than capable of changing whatever he needs or wants changed. As for you… you don’t even know what you want. But most people don’t, myself included. That’s why we always tend to make a mess of things. But please- realize that about yourself, and stop trying to mold me. That’s not your job. And it’s not ‘rebellion’ when I can’t handle an overbearing you.

1. I know myself.
2. I’m human.
3. Head… Holy Spirit. Notice that they are two different words.

I never knew he wrote a book. Now I learn he wrote 2! (Or maybe he’s written more and I’m still ignorant. But that’s beside the point.)

Not only has he written 2 books, he actually wrote them.  Long-hand, no less. Now that’s impressive!

I’ve been wondering what to do with the campaign this year. I agree almost 100% with Ron Paul (well, 100% with everything I’ve heard his position on and his approach), but what of the others? You know, the ones who actually have a shot? I will almost certainly vote for anyone besides Hillary. But if Obama gets the democratic nod… I’d be taking a very serious look at him. I’m sure I don’t agree with everything he says, but I watched him way back in the Illinois debates and liked him. (I did like the other guy better, but I was also sincerely impressed with Barack.)

Of course, this is a democratic nod. And while I am fiercely independent I do tend to lean right. Especially considering that the NEA (aka teacher’s union!) is a major lobbyist of the democratic party and I’m a dirty homeschooler! This has been on my mind more so the last two days. When today, I learn of these books, and read an interview with Barack, stating that he believes we have a personal responsibility to educate our children.

Interesting. And hopeful. I guess time will tell. Book looks interesting, too. I think I’ll have to check it out.

The Audacity of Hope

You grow up, and you forget about immature things like “do overs”.

How unfortunate.

It’s actually a very nice thing, even for adults. The key is, if others are willing to let you. And more so, if you are willing to let others.

Just called EDH back, who several minutes ago was a complete jackass(!), and while without using the words, did quite clearly with the words he did use, declare “Do over!”

I played along and restarted from the beginning. From about 45 minutes ago, before things went completely out of control.

It seems that it worked quite well.

Here’s to hoping it sticks!