Need I say more?

Let’s see how quick I can make this…

The baby’s gone. Bright red bleeding started at a regular flow on Sunday night. I wept for a half hour or more and finally fell asleep. More bleeding, cramps and lots of blood, baby passed at 8:10 I think. Maybe 7:10. Will have to check phone records and confirm. I hemorrhaged a bit but nothing a little iron didn’t take care of. An overnight pad every half hour for a few hours, then it was abruptly over. Not much cause for concern because I’m a bleeder anyway. We were careful and watchful and no medical intervention was necessary (and we mostly knew it wouldn’t be, but we weren’t wreckless either). As for the baby itself… can’t throw it away… can’t flush it… what in the world do you do with your dead baby?? Can’t plant it, can’t take it into the docs for testing for reasons too long for this post, so when I had to do something with it on my way to bed, it got put into a sealed bowl which was put way back in my fridge. Which, I know, sounds pretty… not right. Unbalanced, maybe. See, there’s not even a word for it. But seriously- what in the world do you do with your dead child, who wasn’t far enough along for a ‘proper’ burial or death certificate. Either way, the baby’s gone. I had gone shopping to get excited about it and promptly returned everything the next day. I didn’t want that hanging over my head too. I did hang on to 3 items which were really nice and I had gotten on a great sale… just in case. But they’re bagged, receipted, in the van, and pretty ignorable (not in the way) so not weighing on me.

My daycare mom had her baby the next day. So I’ve got a lot of days off now since the other mom is also on Maternity leave for who-knows-how-long and my only other kid only comes on Mondays and Tuesdays. I’ve got Wed-Fri free for at least a couple weeks now!! Yay! Going to the hospital and seeing the baby was alright. She was all alone by the time we got there and I feared she’d get lonely so we stayed for well over an hour, until closing time. The kids were amusing her so I don’t think (hopefully) we overstayed our welcome. Baby was cute.

My PDA- it works again!!! Woo-hoo!! You seriously don’t know how happy that makes me.

I’ve lost 2 more pounds in the past couple days. So I’m back down to what I was a couple weeks ago when I got all stressed and did my normal binging-and-gorging thing and ended up gaining back 4 of the 8 I had lost a few weeks prior. Ahh, I love food. Except I haven’t eaten any since 48 hours ago when a friend brought a Meatball Sub from Subway. Mmmm… Footlong on white with provalone, parmesan and oregano. Well, yesterday I had a Mountain Dew, candy bar (Peanut Butter Twix… MMMM), and some Gardettos (original mix… MMMM). That counts for food, right? I call it the candy diet. Apparently it’s working well! LOL Thank God for really great vitamins, eh? So lets see… 2 down, just 35 more to go! *sigh* Started back on the TrimSpa today. That’s some pretty cool stuff. Except it may have caused the miscarriage, but that’s a whole lot of speculation and probably unlikely anyway. Besides, we’ll never know and I’m not pregnant anymore anyway. So Viva la Skinny! I was in a decent amount of discomfort what with my uterus stretching out and whatnot, and I didn’t want to aggrevate it more so stopped working out. Though I had barely started, I was doing better with it than I ever have, so hopefully I’ll be able to pick back up with it right where I left off. It wouldn’t bother me to hang on to up to 10 pounds if it’s muscle. But all this fat has got to go. It even feels gross.

I went to my first Chamber of Commerce meeting this week. It was pretty cool. Not much time for networking as it was an official event with a presentation and everything, but it was good to meet the couple people I did. And the sitting President strongly indicated they’re going to be needing a new web designer to manage the site, which they’re paying to have done. What great timing! Crossing my fingers there.

I got a call today, and found out that my business got its first call at the office! Woo-hoo!!! It must be listed somewhere already because it was a marketer lol. But who cares?!? I got my first business call!! lol

I also sent my text in for the Yellow Pages ad. I’m so excited. It’ll come out in December.

The biggest thing for me to deal with now is getting the voice mail at the office to say my web design company’s business name instead of the name of DH’s old business that I’m adopting the number from! He said he got some equipment in today that may or may not take care of the problem he was having in getting the voice mail able to be changed. He’ll work on it this weekend. If it doesn’t, then I’ll just get an ‘old-fasioned’, mechanical (GASP!), answering machine to intercept the line before the current voice mail grabs it. :D

That might be about it. Oh- the drawer on my desk fell off! It had been loose, and then I was trying to pull it out and down it came! I’m pretty glad, though, because where my knees kept hitting it before (see, it’s not always sexy to have long legs), even with the keyboard tray pulled all the way out, now they’ve got some breathing room!

My room is still a mess. 4 huge piles of paper, and that doesn’t even count the scatterings across my desk which prevent me from seeing it on any of the 3 levels it has. Eek. I’m really hoping we can get that file cabinet from the garage into this here bedroom because I need it! Stuff is getting lost!

So anyway, I should probably go bathe myself at some point today. And then I have to pick up the Challah for church tomorrow. Hmm, I wonder if it’s my turn for kids’ snacks again. I should probably check on that. Shabbat Shalom, y’all.

Regardless of whether you think abortion should be legal or not (and I actually do believe, because of my Christian faith, that it should be legal even though it makes me sick and offends my “morals” and my sensibilities), the following quotes from this article just kinda rocked my world.

One of the country’s leading hospitals is throwing aborted babies into the same incinerator used for rubbish to save only £18.50 each time, it has emerged.

The revelation sparked anger and distress among church leaders and pro-life groups, as well as women whose pregnancies were terminated at the hospital.

Like, why??? You killed it. For whatever reason- its life wasn’t worth you putting it up for adoption or whatever else. Now all of a sudden its carcass is so meaningful that you should be angry over the way it was disposed of after you had it shredded to death?!? You’ve got to be kidding!!

It started yesterday, actually, after I posted my rant. A little bit of stringy brown blood, with just a teeny bit of pink here or there. Okay, so mostly old, probably from implantation spotting, no biggie. It had quit by the night and so I went ahead with relations with DH.

This morning a little more of the same, mostly nothing all day, but then tonight… I’m wiping after a quick pee before going in to nurse X who has woken up, so I can get him back down in the crib and enjoy some alone-sleep before the next time he wakes, and there’s a ton of pink all over the toilet paper, and totally unexpected. I’ve been ‘crampy’, but I’ve been that the whole time, even while I was busy trying to be in denial.

I mean, I didn’t want to sacrifice my newborn to the American Society gods, putting it in daycare right away so I could go earn a living, but dang– I didn’t want to find peace and even the bright side(s) of it all, some of which were pretty bright, and then lose it! Not that I wanted to lose it at all, I’d never want my baby to die. But I’d rather it have just not existed in the first place. And if it did have to die, couldn’t it have happened while I was still in denial just like the last one?

What kind of lesson is this???

DH is no support at all. What a man. I told him yesterday and he was frustrated (what a man). I show him tonight that it’s worse and obviously pink and he just says “I don’t know what that means”. Well, I just told you yesterday. So I try to start again, but then I realize that’s not his point so suddenly my own is lost as well and I quit.

5 minutes later I come out of the kids’ bedroom from nursing X and putting him back down to sleep, and my husband is snoring. I don’t blame him- he’s got a lot going on and one more thing to worry about, and then worrying over his inability to fix it, is not what he needs. I get it. But I don’t know what it means either. Seems just a little late for implantation spotting. And we’ve been pretty (unusually) tight-lipped about the whole thing. And it seems a little heavy for what I thought of implantation spotting, too. But last time when we got too rough while I was pregnant with X and I had all sorts of bleeding, it was well more than what I’d expected to be called “spotting”. But that’s what it was. Maybe that’s what this is too? It’s not onto my pants (no panties), it’s not bright red…

I don’t know what it means either.

At least I know there’s nothing docs would do besides work up my nerves before they tell me for sure whether or not I’m losing it, and give me a really hard time either way when

1- I tell them there is not and will not be an OB/GYN to forward the records to; or

2- I tell them I’d rather wait for the baby to pass on its own than have a D&C.

It’s good to know something, I guess. So now I’ll go pass out too, so as to not overwhelm myself with the stress of it.

I didn’t want a baby. But I really don’t want a dead one, yk?!

There I go thinking again. Enough of that. Goodnight. Really.

3.5 years ago I got my first new PDA (Personal Digital Assistant aka Palm Pilot or just Palm). I’d had others before, but all used. And they all broke through various circumstances, usually involving kids. But I came to love them due to their ability to remember everything that my brain didn’t, and basically keep my life at my fingertips with, like, zero clutter.

I’m not kidding when I say I lived my life by the thing. At about 2.5″x4″x.75″, it kept my calendar, MANY lists (shopping lists, address lists, library lists, to do lists, etc etc), a Bible!, a dictionary, a few games, a program that kept all my serial numbers, website logins and passwords, photos, an MP3 player, internet and email, and off the top of my head I don’t even remember what else. (Just note that I have chosen every possible category for this blog post )

I had been saving up for a particular one made from Sony after my last one had broke. When I had finally saved up enough (about a year of being lost without one!) I found out that a newer better one had been released in Japan already! Who could know how long it would be before they were released here?? That was a Saturday. Well lo and behold, I found out on Monday that they were just, that day, getting released here! I had to travel clear down to Indiana to get one since they weren’t anywhere closer yet, but that I did, getting up as early as possible the next morning, to be (almost) waiting at the door when they opened. I took the demo one for a short test drive before finally purchasing it over the one I had planned to buy for so long. (Newer isn’t always better, you know.)

I brought it home, charged it up, and we lived happily ever after.

Until like a month or two ago. It was a Saturday morning and I was checking email before I got ready for church. Something came up that I needed to consult my Palm for (who knows what anymore) and I was in the middle of using it when it happend.

… …

The touch-screen went all sorts of wonky. Just out of the blue. I wasn’t even doing anything special! I touched the screen, but it ‘clicked’ on something a whole inch above!

Noooooooooooo!!!!

I tried resetting it. Then doing a ‘hard’ reset. No go.

So I’ve carried it around in my purse all this time, just looking at it sadly. My last hope has been completely draining the battery, and maybe when I charge it back up it will have lost whatever got into it. I checked a couple weeks ago and it wouldn’t turn on. So I’ve waited a while longer and am finally about to plug it in. After it charges up then we will see.

But the worst part of the story is, that I went back to the Sony site, and they stopped making them some time ago. And I’m soooo upset about that, because this one had some special Sony-only functions on it that no one else has or ever will. It was freakin’ awesome. And I can’t believe that just all of a sudden, it’s gone. I know it’s old as far as technology goes, but it’s still perfect in every other way and doesn’t even look outdated. It still looks quite sharp.

And I don’t have the money for a new one, and where would I even start if I had to start researching them all over again?? boo-hoo.

So please, please pray with me, that my Sony Clie TH55 (picture) will work right again, and we can live out it’s golden years without it having any more strokes. Otherwise the next closest thing is the new UX-something-or-other that is actually a PC the size of a Palm. Which is way cool, but definitely not happening at $2,000. (If I had that I’d just find and add the other $500 to it that I need to get the pimped-out laptop I want that would make me a Mac girl! “Just say no” to PC’s. Though I’d still need a Palm.)

Serious prayers, please!